Ever since the birth of my son almost 2 weeks ago, I teared up exactly twice. I didn’t cry when he was born but just yesterday when I was feeding him, I started tearing up. I was listening to Mariah Carey & Miguel’s – Beautiful and it struck me how beautiful my son really was. I was suddenly overpowered by a sense of unconditional love for my little man. It struck deep and coincidentally pained me deeply as I thought of my mom.
By having my son, I can finally understand the depth of my mom’s love for me. She had me when she immigrated to the States and at that time, she had no friends, family or the language skills to socialize. My dad was always at work to provide for his new family so my mom was basically isolated at home with no emotional support and stuck with a wailing baby. My dad was and still is the typical Asian man who thinks that since he’s bringing home the bacon, he doesn’t have to lift a finger at home. I just spoke to her the other day via Skype and she is just…. sad.
I told her I had a bad dream about her. In my dream, she had died in a tragic accident and that I was in complete shock. I was thinking why didn’t I try to see her more often and how I was never going to see her again. But at the same time, I told her how I thought, “At least she won’t be so sad and tired. She doesn’t have to worry anymore.” My mom started crying because she said that’s exactly how she feels. She says sometimes she wishes she can just disappear and my heart cried out to her.
All these random but now profound memories from years past started coming back in a blur. How she would always take me with her for errands and how I hated waiting in line at Bank of America. We would go to department stores and I was such a bad kid – I would tear off all the buttons and beading on the mannequins while I waited for her to finish. She would buy me Rally’s or McDonald’s every weekend and take me to the park where I would run a muck on the swings and monkey bars. There was the time she left me and my dad for 2 weeks because she wanted a divorce. I remember her packing her suitcase and crying over her picture everyday until her return. It was very traumatizing and probably the reason why I have a fear of abandonment and why I abandoned friends/boys before they could abandon me.
After our talk, I sent her a beautiful bouquet to her place of business yesterday and she was grinning from ear to ear. She said it was such a surprise and that it was the best part of her day. Every day is Mother’s Day.
I wonder what memories my son will have of me?